brian and i broke up :(

i guess it just didn't work anymore. i was willing to stay and work through it, but he gave up and so i agreed. i've never felt so lonely and anytime i'm by myself my anxiety sky rockets. i just really need to be around people right now and get my mind off things. i'm trying so hard to accept everything that's happening, but i just fucking miss him so much. its heart breaking, really.

summer has never sounded so good.

i've been having a really terrible time lately. anxiety, depression and panic attacks. blegh. everyday i have to drag myself out of bed and spend all day convincing myself to do what i'm supposed to be doing. i need groceries but i can't get myself to go to the store. i need to deposit my paycheck, but can't seem to get to the bank. i have a paper due tomorrow and i haven't started writing it yet. i'm trying though, and i know i'll get through this. i always do.

so, thursday night/friday morning someone broke into my car and stole: my ipod, my radio/cd player, all my cds, my skateboard and my pogo stick!! WTF DICKS?! who does that? my dad is gonna get me a new ipod, which is very nice, but the one the assholes stole was the one brian gave me and it was inscribed and i'll never fucking see it again. AND all my cds! i've had some of those since i was 12! i am so mad. the radio i could care less about because i can replace that. i have to take the money out of my savings, but i had no emotional attachment to it, so whatever. OH and they took the half bottle of vodka that was in my trunk for party emergencies. i can only imagine some druggy skating away on my skateboard, taking shots of vodka and being all pumped on all the drugs he'll buy. dick.

in other news, i've been a huge stressball lately. school caught up to me and was like YOU HAVE TO DO ALL THIS WORK EVEN THOUGH YOU DONT WANT TO, and i cried a little, and then had some beers and some cigarettes and did it. stupid.

so far this week has been pretty good. on friday my dad is taking me to get some cooking supplies so i can get down to business with my new cookbook and make some gourmet shit. i cant wait!

anjie had her baby, adeline, today. 9 lbs 6 oz! she looks just like mark, hahah. um...

alright i'm gonna go to bed and watch the real housewives of new york or whatever it is.

bye, dudes.

multigrain bread with hummus, basil, tomato & cucumber with a little sea salt and fresh ground pepper. i took a bite because i couldn't resist! hahah so easy and so delicious!! i accompanied my sammich with salt & vinegar chips, yuuuuum.

i took the day off work today so i could study and get some homework done. i've been procrastinating so bad lately and i need to catch up and keep up with everything going on. i want good grades!

i bought so much delicious food yesterday, so more yummy food pictures to come. i'm gonna make snobby joes and chickpea cutlets with mustard sauce next (from veganomicon). OH! anja, i found BATTER BLASTER! that pancake in a can stuff hahhah. i was at henry's farmers market and i was just browsing in the refrigerated section and it was like a light shown down from the heaven's. i was so excited! hahah i can't wait to make some pancakes!

i stopped drinking bottled water a few weeks ago and today i bought a smartwater at the grocery store and it is SO GROSS. it just tastes like plastic. i used to drink only bottled water, and it is so weird to taste the plastic now. i spent my whole life drinking that shit. GROSSSSSS

also, i stopped washing my face and it is a miracle! i still got my pre-period zits, but they went away so quickly and my skin feels so good and i'm amazed.

i wanna tell everyone i see about all this stuff! i just love trying out these new things that i'm learning about and seeing them work, and knowing that it is so much better for me. i feel so good, man.

tonight i gotta study for my sociology midterm (shits weak!) and i wanna clean my room. i want to go grocery shopping and get some new kicks. so much to do, so little time!

p.s. i mailed my netflix movies back on monday and they still haven't received them!! i wanna watch the rest of big love! boooo

last night i made my first recipe from veganomicon: tomato-rice soup with roasted garlic and navy beans. IT IS SO GOOD! i invited jake and meagan over to help me eat some of it and they were amazed too. i love making delicious food and then people telling me i'm a good cook. it rules. i also made a pizza using pizza dough from trader joes. i put marinara sauce, eggplant, artichoke hearts and red onion on it. we dipped the pizza in the soup hahha. oh man!

here's what i just made for dinner right now:

brown rice pasta with marinara sauce, chick peas and roasted brussel sprouts. so good! i'll eat half for lunch tomorrow. food food food.

i wanna make so many more recipes! if only i had infinite money and time.

alright i gotta go paint a still life for class tomorrow, drink beer and watch movies. sounds pretty good, but the painting will take hours and i will complain and think about how much i can't wait to go to sleep. hahha

peace out, fools.

dude, i went to meet jessica's sister in the orange circle at this irish bar and this drunk guy was like all over her, and then she went to the bathroom or something and he was all over me and i was SO GROSSED OUT!!! hhahah and then! we were about to go and she went to talk to some friends or something, so i was left standing with the drunk weirdo and he TRIED TO KISS ME!!! i totally backed up and was like "what are you doing?!" and he was like "oh i was just looking at your glasses..." HAHHAHAHHAHAH and then 2 minutes later he was like "oh i'm so sorry, i'm sorry....i'm sorry" hahhahahahaa

i am so sick of it! i just went grocery shopping and was freaking out inside the whole time! i can't just relax and look at stuff and search for what i'm looking for. other people just drive me crazy! i'll be trying to look at something and if someone comes near me i just walk away. i can't handle it!! i end up just grabbing whatever and leaving as fast as i can. i got some good stuff but not everything i wanted and fuck, man. i just wanna take my time and i feel so rushed!

i got a check from my mom for $150 for my birthday!! AND my dumb dad forgot my birthday (its a long story) and he's taking me out for dinner on friday and i think he's gonna give me money toooo. new clothes and new kitchen tools here i come!

okay, i'm gonna watch boogie nights and go to bed. goodnight livejournal.


oh, shit. i just realized kimya dawson is playing friday. dad is gonna have to reschedule!

is how i feel right now! its just cause i need to wash my smelly hair. i hate it!

i just finished my personal narrative for my racial inequality class. i had to write about how i define myself racially and my experiences with that and with other races. it was hard to write because i don't really deal with it very much. i don't know. plus i'm pretty bad at explaining things. oh well, its done and now i get to paint! we finally started painting in my painting class. he had us drawing for the first 3 weeks and i was like, "um... dude, this is a painting class, i didn't sign up for this so i could draw," but we finally started painting and right now we're doing color mixing and stuff like that, which is fun. oh and we're using oil paints and i had never used them before so its exciting! i love learning to use new mediums!

now i need to go to the store and purchase some beer to drink, some cookies to eat and something delicious for lunch tomorrow. i was gonna go grocery shopping at trader joe's, but i waited to long and they close in 30 minutes and i don't want to be rushed.

i have been craving sweets so bad lately!! its driving me crazy. i'm hoping if i buy some cookies that are healthy-ish the craving will leave and never come back. thankfully at the store i'm going to they have a pretty good healthy section! i have now come to loathe shopping at a regular grocery store. it kinda makes me sad going to them cause there are so many terrible things that they sell and everyone buys them and eats them and gives them to little kids who then in turn grow up and buy those things too.

on friday i went to zoe's birthday party with joanne and ana. it had a high school stereotype theme. i was the school slut, joanne was a nerd and ana was gothic. ana's was the best costume ever! when she walked through the door everyone was like "OOOOHHHHHHH!" and i was kinda jealous, hahha. the party pretty much sucked because after five minutes we realized everyone there was like 18 and we felt old, and then felt older for feeling old hahhaha. fuck it. we didn't stay too long. then ana dropped me and jo off and we went to marty's for a beer, but it was pretty boring there too. this weekend pretty much sucked.

yesterday i was supposed to go out to eat at rutabegorz with brian, but he didn't get to my house until 9:30 and it was too late. we got mexican food at molcasalsa instead, but it made me feel gross after we ate it. greasy and cheesy, blech. i'm losing my ability to eat shitty food, which is exciting and kind of defeating at the same time. weird.

today i bought some new paints, ate lunch at corner bakery (panini with provolone cheese, artichoke hearts, roasted tomatoes and pesto nom nom nom nom) and spent most of the day being in a bad mood mostly cause i just felt gross.

oh here's a picture of our costumes


i hope i have a good week and i hope you do too.